I have no intentions of hurting him or using him. When I came to the conclusion that she did not want to leave her husband of ten years I backed away in attempt to let her live her life. I did not push being more than friends as I knew she was scared. My heart is destroyed! I hope you and she have found a way to be together, and that she’s no longer so scared to love you back! 3 weeks later he called to tell me I would always be waiting for a relationship and he would never be ready for one. I just couldn’t understand why he’d push me away when we had gotten so close. Maybe if i don’t really love him and is only in love with the idea of love. She tells me she pushes people away and she believes she has post traumatic stress disorder. I’m not ready to give up on this woman as I love her with my whole heart, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. We have a bit of distance between us, a three hour drive, he lives in Boston and I live in Stamford. I wish I could just remove her from my life but I just cant bring myself to do it! You can’t do much to reduce the fear your loved one feels. I reexplained my feelings with so much passion that I didn’t even know I had. Until one night recently I snapped. Also his father is very ill and he could lose him at any time. So why am I writing this comment? It may pass, it may come again. Didn’t see her for 2weeks and hardly any kinda nice texts.. Just quick replying ect. As the months passed anytime we made plans for him to visit, we’d pick the date & then a few days before something would come up, he would then disappear for a couple weeks without a word. Well now I’ve just given up looking, you can only be said no to so many times to believe that may be marriage isn’t in God’s plan for me (what ever that is). I had no choice but to honor her wishes. Things were great for a couple months then bam, it happened again. I met a lot of guys after him but nothing was the same. The drug can kill you too. Sometimes someone is loving you that you overlook. I know it sounds crazy and hard to understand.. She admitted to doubts while were apart, which is natural, but was still texting me daily saying ‘I really miss you’. He's too afraid. She has said before that she only wants to be friends but when I bring up what happened last Friday she never answers. Because I only know hurt in relationships. As he does every night we’re not together he sent me a text just now saying good night. To go away. Seemed odd but after I got to know him I could see he was all about working and raising his child whom he has custody of. How do you cope when your ex isn’t just scared of love, but he’s marrying someone else? I meet someone I instantly connected deeply with. I was on top of the world that day. Be patient my freind and hopefully things will work for you and her. since then she has tried and tried again to date guys but most of the time she leaves them for one reason or another. He told her she couldn’t come over and then when she did his bedroom door was locked.) I want to forget him, but I can’t. Or am I over thinking the situation ? I;d loved her soo much and now I;d gotten back what I thought might’ve been lost forever. I thought this is my most awaited “Mr. Have faith that love will untangle all the fears and problems. In a way, I am a hopeless romantic. We’ve both been hurt from past relationships and have not have a long relationship in over a decade. You don’t sleep with men before you are in a monogamous relationship. He was completely hurt and shocked that I finally left him. However it is very painful, this limbo. I love her and she cares for me – but doesn’t want to do anything about it. How would it change your relationship if you told your girlfriend that you love her? The first step is to learn about fear of intimacy, from books such as Stop Running from Love: 3 Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing & Fear of Intimacy. I try not to date anybody anymore because I know I am incapable of letting myself be loved. She eventually came to me saying how it was wrong of her to not try with me because of someone who makes me so unhappy. You love your husband, of course, but don't you like who he is (as a person, a partner, a father), too? It was a social gathering and we really couldn’t hang out together. I fall in love with him more and more every day and I’m happy with it even as I’m blocked because I’m NOT giving up. I just need help on what to do. When our needs are met when we’re babies and children, we approach adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun. He’s a doctor so he’s able to keep in touch with me during the day while we’re both working. She admitted to me that she pushes people away and that all she meets is jerks. After a few weeks, she asked me out on a date. I can feel to be loved again.. It’s been about 2 weeks since that happened. The girl of my dreams won’t let me love her. I am screwed now, but i know i can recover.. And Tim, you are right “People need to be whole when they enter into relationships”. Especially where he’s at right now. He even told me he is very close to telling me he loves me, but needed to do this. I am now blocked (which is happened before) and taking a step back. I told him.. I’ve seen so much fail with theirs that I’m scared to take the risk at all. but don't be afraid of love, like, it's the best thing in love, and if you're afraid of some person that loves you, you'll loose him so easily, cuz other girls will take him. The hardest part is when the whole world is telling you to give up, because you deserve more, but you know that this is exactly why you stay. Listen. Here is my dilemma.. But I’m not giving up either. See each other a lot through the week, he’s so afraid of getting hurt, he said he stayed with his former wife trying to make it work, because he didn’t want to be a failure. We went on a date where he told me he loved me again. The premise of Dr. Sharon Dekel’s study – she’s a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work in Israel – is based on attachment theory. We discussed our future and had plans. I’ll try to make this short and to the point. I don’t like you. Six months down the road he found my Facebook page and added me. I want to keep going. He will say things like he’s trying to reach out with his feelings of how he likes me then once I start overwhelming him with my feelings he distances himself more. I’ve been with the woman I love off and on for 3 1/2 years and she is terrified of Love. …. The date was amazing, and by that I mean that we talked for 5 hours, ate, drank and the body lauguage was there. I noticed that in this article a lot of marriage-based things were mentioned. But I am terrified of telling her that because it could make her pull away and shut down even more. I promised you I would be truthful. Things were going smooth and progressing towards a relationship, when she called to tell me how scared she was. I’ve never had any experience with this sort of issue and I am completely lost as to how to approach this situation. You have chemistry, you communicate well, you enjoy being together, and you feel like a relationship could be satisfying and fulfilling. She knows and cares that I’m a good man to her but she wants to focus on herself and kids. And I refuse to listen to that. I purchased a ticket to fly out to see him & he said he got the hotel room. I agree. Scared because she hadn’t felt feelings like this in so long and was scared to open up and get hurt. Thank you Its gotten to the point where I’ve began holding my feelings inside because i would rather hide my feelings than risk scaring her away. I have a blessed life, good friends, and now I have a girl this is way out of my league in every aspect. Counseling helped alot. Here’s what a wife wrote on one of my articles… Read More »How to Love an Emotionally Unavailable Man. I think about her constantly and my heart bleeds for her love. For 12 years now, we’ve been on this merry-go-round of being together and being happy and then him running away/pushing me away as soon as he realizes he is happy. But I do try and keep in touch with her and love it when I get a reply. I want to see him, but I can’t. Phew. You are my favourite notification. Waiting isn’t so bad if waiting gets you to the place you seek. I don’t think I could survive that again, and that’s basically the sum of it. We had always talked about the fact that we would talk about things that came up, she never had that chance with her ex and I wanted her to have a say and to be herself in all of it. I’m scared too. /* TFP - lyricinterpretations */ She said she never wanted a relationship, but yet she exhibited normal signs of future talk, kids…said she didn’t want us too see other people…It hurt very bad…over the next few weeks communicating slowed and eventually ended. I know she has had sex before and not had chemistry. I understand that she was hurt with her past realationship with my mate who didn’t treat her right. It makes me miserable daily. So I have recently come to the realization that I’m in love with somebody. So basically I have known my female friend for just over a year now, we met at work. http://blossomtips.com/how-to-guard-your-heart-in-a-relationship/. He was emotionally unavailable to her, critical, rude, abusive and uncaring in how he regarded her. Perhaps you are simply afraid to fall in love because of the possible outcome. But that she really did like me. It is also of note that she once told me that she believes I was “sent to [her] by God to restore [her] faith in men,” which is at least a good sign I would assume. But I thought a lot about what he said and this little voice kept telling me that I couldn’t give up on him. I know we did and she felt it. Carnt believe I’m writing this but hey. Thats how things were from September until February when he finally ended things. I have told her. Why do the words need to be said? He’s had a hard past and he got married at 20… He’s now 32 and I’m 25. Then the next backing of like a flick of a switch. I was with someone for 2 years. after missing my love for 5 months, I saw him again. Your email address will not be published. Neil.. But we are still supportive of each other. I told him when he felt the same, he could reach out to me. He invited me to stay at his house for the 1st time after 1 year being in a relationship. I just wish for you and for myself to break through their shell and make them the happiest people alive. I do love him and i am not leaving him but im terrified because he could literally shatter my world if he decided i wasn’t enough for him. This guy that I’ve known my entire life moved back to my hometown this past summer. It’s really sad because we never even had a disagreement. With single guys, it seems, I always find something wrong with them immediately. To dunno anymore.. He apparently did not feel the same. As she hasn’t done anything like that before.. please someone help and give advice on this situation. I’ve expressed my love but he becomes distant and withdraw. Like wanting a sweater I wore so he can smell me. Well, even though things were going in the right direction, my husband realized that things backfired and attempted to destroy what we had (even though he was having relationships with women in their early 20’s). I don’t know how long I should wait will he come around. Things progressed, we spent time together and would even spend the night together some weekends. I wish you all the best….. Dave, I would imagine for a psychologist she would understand her own demons although it seems clear they’re holding her back. To stop. I am 35 female and absolutely terrified beyond words of being in a relationship. Am I wrong for liking someone like this? But I noticed immediately, this girl was guarded heavily and expressing her feelings was very challenging. Obviously she couldn’t sleep either. he is afraid because he thinks he is not stable ebough to be in a relationship, he thinks that he will heart me which he doesn’t want. He was scared, and not even your love could save him from his fear of intimacy. You might text her a hello every month or so, but don’t chase her. It ended abruptly…she came to give me a surprise visit on a Thursday, Friday we were together…Saturday she had to work, so me and her roommate (also childhood BFF) were talking about love and that I should tell her if I was ready…I never had a chance to…That Saturday night at one of her friends 21st Birthday, she acted detached…two days later we were done. So she goes, texts me telling me she really misses me before ending it two weeks after she got back, saying her feelings for me had changed. We get scared of love, and off we run. SHe wasn’t willing to even go farther because she said she would 100% hurt me and wasn;t going to move forward. I feel you so much. I’m here for everything. His ex had a 3 year affair with a neighbor. We emailed for about a week and the conversation flowed so we decided to meet. He even said he might not ever be able to love. She’s a child psychologist with a great family, I’m a journalist from a single-parent upbringing. For me, it was the helplessness that most got me. When you’re in love with someone who is scared of love, you need to take a deep breath and give them room to grow. I don’t know whether I should continue to love her or do what the article says and give her space. Àmazingly, with all my issues & all the hurt I’ve been thru with family & relationships I am still open to love & trying. Then after about 4 months he said he needed time alone to deal with family issues. I was beyond heartbroken (that was 14 years ago and still not over it). I get hurt because of this and end things. I am in pretty much the same place. I finally found the word for it,love. I told her who I was & I asked her how her mother was doing. She said she was fine & nothing was ever wrong with her. I am in love with a woman I met a couple of months ago. Wenare very close and last week I went to a party at her house and she said she wants to kiss me. It’s making me compare our love, that I feel like I care more about him than he does me. We have this connection and I know she feels it too deep down. I was going to drive up to Boston with him and spend the weekend there, wearing matching onesies we had bought and exchanging Christmas presents. Now giving her space. If he isn’t with me he texts me all the time. If you fall in love and get into a serious relationship, you become vulnerable and can possibly lose someone in the end. I feel like ive peeled back my armor and let him see where im most vulnerable. Your boyfriend is used to being in control of his feelings, and the feeling of being in love scares him because he’s out of control. HELP ME!!!! Meaning make sure that this is not an excuse to let you down easy or to never commit. You need to decide if you can take a risk on love. really thought about it first. As a female who is afraid to be in love the emotions start to spin and a person gets confused and pressure and the only escape it to run away. Copyright © 2020 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. I will not abandon him. I’ve been into many relationships.. She has told me that she was raped in the past by her boyfriend at the time and that he treated her very badly. That’s worth it to me because all I wanna do is see him comfortable and happy and I know I can make him comfortable and happy. I envy your strength to detach for longer time, I can barely stay away for more than a day, also because he is running back to me the minute I give him space. Next thing his phone was disconnected. But as the holidays approached, her sons 5th birthday and a starting school year came about (She;s a teache), , old habits began to reappear. So for those of you out there who are in a similar situation and who are not codependent and who are not unaware but who are just in love – I say don’t give up. I know my boyfriend is scared of intimacy, he couldn’t commit to me even though I loved him more than life itself. About 3 months ago now, I confessed to her that I think I’m starting to like her more then a friend. In other relationships, the healthiest thing you can do is end the relationship. He asked me to allow him to make it up to me. Women can be strange creatures bro. He and my ex and I were old friends from childhood who reconnected during his daughter’s illness. My problem is that I have known a guy for about a year and a half now, he started at my school as a new student when I was a freshman and at first we weren’t close at all, but now we are very very close. We met up for a drink to discuss it further, i was doing most of the talking and I said to her that I do like her.. She didn’t really say much, however she did say there is something that makes me feel so comfortable with you. It’s a bit long: I figured these notes that I write for you have always been after an argument and about me apologising and that isn’t right so how about this. Really enjoyed each other’s company. I am devastated, as I know that without that fear we would be together. That is the only thing we don’t know if compatible with or not. I can sensed that he cared about me also. We were very happy up to the day he said we need to take a break. Problem we had what seemed a Great week i think i ruined it bye telling her i loved her. For me – we were going out for 4 weeks – she’d ‘pulled’ away from me for 2 of those – 4 weeks on, we’ve only spoken once and that ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ that I thought we had seems to be waning. I was telling someone about us about the thought or instinct that I had that one of her things is thinking that some people run away, and I started tearing up. Then his mother was diagnosed with cancer and he lost her 3 weeks later. Song meanings ©2003-2021 lyricinterpretations.com. I sense that he is afraid because of how intense the feelings are (and they are so strong/intense and I’m afraid too…but this whole thing is making me sick! what should I do??? Sometimes people are sent to you for a lifetime or simply a brief moment.. Don’t miss out darling, because being loved, even briefly is just so wonderful xxxx, Hello I’m dating my old lover and it is amazing. Eventually I got sick of being treated this way so I kissed someone else. Something has to give. The man I love is engaged and it has broken my heart. If you want more emotional connection – more love – then you need to give her time and space to breathe. I;m always available when asked and I’m always waiting around hoping today is the day she snaps out of it. she BELIEVED SHE WAS NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD. However, some family issues hppened and we broke up. She also has depression and PTSD stemming from childhood trauma, and she has abandonment issues because of her father’s absence while she was growing up. I was the first girl in 6 years that he had asked to be his girlfriend, so right away I knew he saw me as special and different from other girls he had been with since his ex. But there are times when she pushes me away with no reason, and when I ask she says that it’s her way of dealing with things and that she likes being alone. And now it’s been four days since she broke up with me. He’d cry to me and talk about some of the issues he was dealing with. When it came to start a relationship, she pulled back, explaining she was terrified to be hurt again. Soon as her step dad dealt with the divorce, he would leave as well and he became more distant. I’m not even aware of this fear. But a little over a month he told me he loved me then said it was an accident right after. I’m not the type toread or write about love but I’m so confused and struggling. We feel safe and protected behind our walls, and it’s not easy to expose ourselves to the frightening world of love. He didn’t want to get into a relationship until he had his life together. Always text. In past relationships, she had strayed also when under pressure and as a result hurt those she was with. Both options are risky; nobody can tell you what the best choice is or what the future holds. I don’t think she realizes how much I care about her, but I’m committed to standing by as a friend and helping her whenever she wants help. She’s properly scared of getting hurt or being loved. I want to be the one you’re scared to lose. Im not even interested in other gals except her. Because of this, I am holding off on telling her for the time being. It’s very difficult since I struggle with anxiety but I know deep down I really love this guy for who he is. I was afraid that loving him made me weak; that it gave him too much power over me. Though I just wanted to take it slow anyway, it didn’t matter. Words don’t do her justice. She has been hurt by too many guys and has seen both her parents’ relationship with each other end poorly as well as her mothers second marriage fail after 15 years. It’s really hard and difficult for me I have strong intense feelings for him but he won’t listen acknowledge or move forward. I have not much real life experience about love. I found the process of breaking down my walls and learning how to love without being scared very, very difficult. Comfort and Healing After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman, Travel in Faith: Tools & Tips for Travel That Transforms You. BUT… what proves that somebody is dedicated to somebody and will not budge…will not blink from that position? Required fields are marked *. He is attentive to me. I, too, was very scared of love…but I didn’t want to be alone. I will give you all that's mine. And…be wise. I am now faced with the choice to try to work through this beside him, with the very real possibility of failing, or to end the relationship for good. Reason why, some people are also afraid is because they feel like if they give their 100%, the other person won’t give them at least 50%. It’s been a constant contradiction ever since we split. We would be so perfect for each other but she always runs away. I was walking with a friend today, and she said her new boyfriend is scared to let himself fall in love with her. Just like that. We were going to spend New Years together, but instead I came back and he broke up with me the next time I saw him. But I concentrate on his faults and strategy arguments when I don’t need to just to push him away, so I can have my space. And he tells me “just don’t think about it”. Love is an emotion that leaves you totally exposed to big and little hurts, major and minor pains. He comes back for me every time and says he just has to go slow and let things flow organically because when he loves, he’s all in. It was hard knowing how to help him, especially since I’ve suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. The event has left her guarded to the extent where she prefers to live her life alone, without relying or trusting anyone. I actually felt comfortable, and I’ve struggled with insecurity in the past. If you rush things, you may scare them away. how does that even make sense? You might try couples or individual therapy even if you’ve tried it before – just because counseling was ineffective once doesn’t mean it won’t work now. artist: "The Black Keys", Our connection was real and organic. We started dating and really had chemistry, the connection was there, conversations flowed. He’s so used to being in control of his life and probably his emotions that he doesn’t have a clue what to do. I totally miss my friend & it boggles my mind how he can just cut me out of his life as if it doesn’t bother matter one way or the other to him. We have an awesome friendship just no intimacy and we both have very strong drives so I can’t understand why we can’t just found out how compatible we are. at this point, she has convinced herself that she never loved me in the way she thought she did, which i know to be crap, and that she needs to move on to what “god has in store”. It is very difficult for anyone to change, much less someone who is scared to love and be loved in return. I decided to respect her feelings and her decision and not to pressurize her with arguments, basically not looking for a contact. Well about a month later, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. “When I get my business off the ground” (He did) “When we buy a house” (We did) “When xyz” it was always an excuse to keep me to stay. She responded well and was speechless. She was my dream come true and we discussed a long term future. For example, look at Sofia Vergara and Mr. Joe Manganiello! Anyway, after a week of her screaming and hanging on him and refusing to talk to him, he said he needed space. })(); (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); He's afraid to let himself completely fall for the girl and start a relationship because that will mean he hands over his power to her. I cannot go through that again and don’t want to waste anymore time on a being a shoulder to lean on while playing the friends with benefits roll. In fact, I still withdraw from my husband when I’m hurt, angry, confused, or scared. I must attract them lol. I’ve sent him an e-mail, short with simple words, telling him I need him, love him and that whatever we are and that he could take all the time he needs for himself. I can’t say I knew that I would love her right then and there but I can tell you that I wanted her to bemail mine. 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